London, UK: Theresa May, British Prime Minister and Fever-Nun of the Black Priesthood of Abaddon, announced today that burning the popular butter magnate turned light entertainer Sir John Rotten-Lydon in a timber assemblage as used in Edward Woodward classic The Wicker Man would ‘heal the divide of Brexit Britain’. Defending the controversial proposal, Mrs May invoked the spirit of punk which brought raconteur Sir John to fame via his legendary appearances on Malcolm Grundy’s ‘500 Club’ chat show, turning it into a mystical paean to national renewal.
In her address to the Annual General Meeting of the Castleford Ladies’ Magic Circle in the Thackeray Suite of the glamorous Best Western Plus Milford, the embattled Tory leader told listeners ‘The True Grail Legends, passed down to us in ancient times by the Leaders of Our Order, tell us that when the land is sick, the King-Foole who represents the Spirit of the Isle must be consigned to cleansing fire. And who embodies this nation’s unique blend of bellicose mediocrity, tawdry mendacity and omnidirectional, stultifying class hatred and resentment better than Sir John, the man who went from humble beginnings as a plucky London rent boy to owner of the vast Cuntry Shite butter empire and founder of runaway sports hit the Sid Vicious Memorial Clay Pigeon Classic?’
To applause, chanting, archaic salutes and the traditional atonal bleating of Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, Mrs May also used the occassion to criticise opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn for his inaction and dithering, declaring ‘And let me answer my right honourable friend’s criticism one week hence by saying that no, Mr Corbyn, putting Sir John Cooper-Clarke in the stocks outside Islington Waitrose will be nowhere near enough! Aiiiiiieeeee, my pretties! The witching hour chimes! Let us now all join in the Dance of Black Philip!’
While some feared Sir John might resist calls to be burned to death in a timber contrivance in a quasi-pagan celebration of blut und erde, the cockney icon in fact embraced calls for his demise. Speaking to reporters from his charming new quarters in Outer Church Re-Education Facility Number 6 in Portmeirion, North Wales, former Spice Pistol Sir John said ‘Cor lumme luvaduck and no mistake me old china, chim-chim-chereee it’s a fair cop what blows an ill wind no moss to a blind man UR DREMEZ BELONG UZZ NAO an’ as I used to tell the ol’ lags down at Sir Malcolm McWizzlewood’s sex shop back in the day THERR IZ N011011010010 GD BT BRXT dear God run! Save yourselves! Get out! Get out before they make you see the – ‘
Sir John is understood to be recovering from, in the words of his physician, ‘nervous exhaustion brought on by the enthusiasm of his deep and abiding love for the British people and their continued and enthusiastic consumption of butter and associated dairy spreads’. Sir John’s historic sacrifice as Albion’s punk numpty will begin at 6pm on Wednesday March 29th in a special opening ceremony devised by Danny Boyle and featuring Gorillaz, The Witches of Hazlewood and Pat Sharp’s Harp Sharpenin’ Bluegrass Proposal, overseen by Sir Ian McShane and the cast of TV’s Downton Abbey’. YU WATCH NAO. WATCH NAO. OBEY. BREXIT DOUBLEPLUSGOOD. YU BELLYFEEL NAO.